I'm Working On It

I am so tired.
I am still waking up with Micah every 4 hours to medicate him after his surgery.
I wake up several other times throughout the night while miss Ella cuts her canine teeth and Micah cries out in pain.

I have a cold and can't breath at night.

I have a 5 year old who thinks I boring, and only wants his friends.

You know how this feels.

Exhaustion.

What are you like when your tired? Do you take it out on somebody?
Generally, my sweet husband gets the brunt of my frustration; and then it trickles down to my children.

I'm working on it.

This has become my life motto. I should probably paint it on my walls.

I feel terrible after lashing out at these people I love the most in my life.

Lets take a look at Josiah, shall we?

Like I mentioned earlier, he is so bored with me.
He loves to learn from me, he loves to play with me, and he loves to laugh with me. But he often forgets he's not the only child in our home. No, I still have two other rascals running around trying to steal my attention.
I am still so glad about our decision to keep him home with me one extra year before sending him to Kindergarten. I think he's happy too.
But he has been feeling like he is playing 2nd or 3rd right now to his siblings.
I confess, he kind of is.
Micah is still recovering from his surgery and still needs a lot of extra attention, and popsicles.
Josiah is only 5 and doesn't grasp the concept of "special treatment". He is hurt that I will give Micah 8 popsicles a day, while he may only get 1 or 2.
He doesn't understand why I will make him help clean the playroom with me, while Micah watches his 100th cartoon.
He doesn't understand why I can't "make a craft" (he's really into crafts these days) because Micah is hurting and needs some cuddle time.
So, he lashes out at me.
He throws fits, and argues, and stomps, and screams, and yells.
My poor, sweet boy. He needs his Mommy just as much as Micah does, and I've been neglecting him.

This face of sweetness and innocence is getting the brunt of my frustration.

I have been unbelievably patient with Micah during his outbursts. I haven't yelled at him or even shown him any sort of consequence for his behavior.

Josiah gets it all.

I know that this makes me look terrible. And that is exactly how I feel.
Terrible. 
Today I confess; I'm working on it.

Today I will craft with him until he's sick of paint and popsicle sticks.
Today I will cuddle with him during quiet time.
I will read him stories until he asks to stop.
I will wrestle with him until my ribs hurt he is tired.
And I will answer all of his 5,000 questions.
I will even play in the snow with him today (yep….snow).

This is just so hard to do with 3 kids under the same roof. Generally it's so easy to please both of the boys at the same time, and Ella is content watching.
But because Micah has been feeling puny, I can only please one of them, and he's crying the loudest.

Which reminds me of this saying.

My poor kids.
This is my life their life.

Let's just say…..

I'm working on it.

Under The Knife

What a week. I can't even begin to tell you how tired I am. 

I left for Virginia with my parents early Thursday morning of last week. Arrived back in Colorado early Sunday morning, and took Micah to surgery early Tuesday morning.

He was scheduled to have his adenoids and tonsils removed.

He's such an amazing boy (I know he's mine…but it is the truth).

When we told him we were going to the Dr, he was excited, not nervous or anxious.

After all he's been through he wasn't scared.

This is him before the surgery.

Have you ever had to watch your children go under anesthesia?
It's torture for a parent. To watch them slowly become less lucid and then to see their eyes roll back into their head and know they are out.
I had to watch Josiah do this when he was 2 and had to have a hernia surgery, and again yesterday with Micah.
I can't help but cry. I tried to hold it together, it's just terrifying to see that.

We waited only 20 minutes and they were done. It was truly amazing.
He did great. They removed his very large tonsils and he medium sized adenoids with the hopes of improving his respiratory problems.
We waited a couple of more minutes and then were allowed to go back and see him.
He was eating a popsicle slushy, was very groggy, and asked to do it himself.
The entire time we were there he didn't cry, complain, or whine.
This picture is about 20 minutes after surgery and we tried to get him to sleep. Doesn't Buzz look so comfy to cuddle with?

Then here he was before we left, less than 5 hours after arriving for surgery.

Yep, that's a cheesy grin.

We couldn't believe he wasn't in more pain!

On the way home he threw up in the car due to the anesthesia (and I had a minor panic attack).
But once we were home, you would have never thought he had JUST had surgery.
He was eating anything he could get his hands onto, and even attempted to eat buttered noodles for dinner (but he gave up and opted for yogurt).

I can't believe him.
I am hoping the recovery is this easy. I wasn't expecting it at all. I thought he'd want to cuddle on the couch for 3 days and I'd have to force juice down his throat.
But no, this morning he asked for a cinnamon roll (I soaked it in milk first) and a pop tart (that was a bit more questionable in my eyes).
He's chasing Ella around and hasn't sat still yet.
God is amazing.
The spirit he has given Micah is full of power and strength. He will be a mighty warrior one day.

Micah's verse is proving to be true every day.

2 Timothy 1:7

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity but a spirit of power, of love and of self discipline."

Pumpkin Patch 2012

This is my favorite time of year.

I always thought it was MINE. I had the deranged idea that I was the only one in the world who loved fall. Well, turns out everybody loves fall as much as I do.

But... going to the pumpkin patch is by far one of my favorite things to do with the my family.
So I just had to share the pics with you.

 This is Ella "saying" cheese

 I love his giddy grin!

That boy was willing to smooch a goat.

 That go cart was quite the workout!

This is their "Alien" pose. Ok….

 This girl loves popcorn almost as much as I do.

I'm thinking that maybe in a few years I'll be able to get a better pic of all the kids on the pumpkins.

Fall outfits are truly the best!

So What

Thought I'd join to fun of So What Wednesday.

{So What…}

If I I've been looking at the same bottle of lotion on my counter for 2 weeks now. It doesn't have a home, and I can't seem to throw it away. After all it is Bath and Body Works lotion…and you don't just throw that away (even if it does smell like a trash can).

If I eat leftover popcorn for breakfast this morning. It's delicious.

If I stay in my sweats all day today because James will be gone for 12 hours.

If I'm planning on making oatmeal for dinner, because James will be gone for 12 hours.

If the playroom still isn't painted because I'm still recouping from our weekend.

If I can't leave my house without mascara anymore. When did that happen anyway?

If I reward my children with chocolate milk for not arguing with me about what cartoons to watch in the morning.

If I slept on wet hair and now it looks like I got electrocuted.

{So What} If this post makes me look incredibly lazy….

Back Again

 It started again on Wednesday.
Ella got a cough and I just knew we were in for it.

We have a history of struggling with colds.

Every time Micah gets a runny nose I have to give him his inhaler. At this point he had not been technically diagnosed as asthmatic; we fixed that this weekend.
On Thursday he got the runny nose and by that afternoon I had to give him his nebulizer.
This was the first time I had to give him this. 3 times I tried with no improvement.

I was praying and praying and praying that we wouldn't have to stay another night. But as soon as we got there he was put onto oxygen. Not a good sign. Then we were admitted for the night. 

This ended up being our most difficult stay yet. 

He was exhausted and manifesting it by fighting every treatment. 

I'll tell you one thing about Micah; he is strong. Really strong. It took 3 of us to pin him down to take his treatments. If you've ever had to hold your child down you know what kind of torture that is for a mother. I'm supposed to protect and comfort him, and instead I'm holding his arms and head still. 

It was miserable.

He was then officially diagnosed as having asthma and given more steroids and a daily inhaler.

We were released 24 hours into our stay and I have never been happier to be home.

Then…

Just 18 hours later I was on my way back to Children's Hospital with Josiah. 

He seemed to be struggling to breath. I didn't know if I was being paranoid, but something didn't seem right. 

His oxygen was ok when we got in (93), but he was retracting (he was pulling from his abdomen when he took breaths) and his respiratory rate was right around 44 (normal is around 22).

So they began treating it like an asthma attack.
Seriously, Lord? I was just here. With a different child. Why? 
I was fried. My nerves were gone. I had nothing left to give.
When the Dr came in and said we would probably be admitted to for the night I cried. How awful is that? I cried in front of Josiah, who was being so strong. I just couldn't bear the thought that this was happening all over again.

It started to look better. Like we wouldn't have to stay the night.
Then it got worse. Much worse.
He spiked a temperature. And began to look really miserable.
He didn't complain once. Not once. He's amazing.
But he was having an allergic reaction to the medicine that made him turn red. BRIGHT RED.

They took him off of the continuous medicine and he improved drastically.
He was diagnosed as having an asthma attack due to an atypical pneumonia.
They gave him an antibiotic and tylanol and he was feeling like himself again.
They ended up letting us leave right around 1:30 AM.

But it's so strange to have two kids on the same medication for two separate visits to the hospital.
It has truly been one of the hardest weekends of our lives.
I am happy to be home; but I'm still struggling to recover.

Sometimes it's really hard to see the Lord's plan in certain situations. I know he is in control. But I won't lie…I'm a bit perturbed and tired.
But God is good. All the time.

James 1:2-4

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

A Mary Heart in a Martha World

Do you ever feel like you just aren't cutting it?

I watch these other moms who seem to have it all together. I've had my fair share of chats with other stay at home mothers to know that they don't have it together. 
But I am constantly feeling "behind". 
I can't seem to keep my kitchen floors clean. There is always laundry in the dryer waiting to be folded (and then sitting in the basket for another couple of days waiting to be put away). 
There are always toys on the floor, socks in the bathroom, junk mail on the counters, and dishes in the sink. Always a kid calling my name. 
My to do list is only getting longer.

(In our playroom)

I find that the stress of a messy home and having a long "to do" list is causing me neglect what is really important; (it's not my children…totally) it's my time with Jesus. When I sit down after a day of chores, I don't want to use my brain or my heart. I want to sit on the couch and watch some mindless, trashy show on Netflix. I know that spending time with Jesus takes a lot of time and effort, just like any relationship. It takes the effort of opening my Bible and listening to what God has to tell me. It requires a quite space and an attitude of desire. 

But I'm tired. I don't want to exert any more energy, anywhere.

I can't stop thinking about Martha in Luke 10: 38-42 (NLV).

"As Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught. But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.”

But the Lord said to her, 'My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.' ” 

I love this translation (NLV), because it says "you are worried and upset over all these details".  I am Martha, not Mary. In fact when I read this passage I find myself thinking "But Jesus, she was cooking you dinner! Things have to get done! That was her way of showing you love." I can defend Martha. I know her motives, because they are mine too. I want to serve, I want to make sure my home looks nice and I want to make sure my food is tasty. I want to be sure that my kids look clean and put together in public and that I don't look like I feel (a hot mess). 

Can you just see Mary sitting there soaking up Jesus, listening to his wisdom. She had it figured out. She probably knew this was the only chance she was going to have with her Savior. She was desiring the relationship. She wasn't bent on trying to impress Jesus like Martha was, like I am. And Jesus called her out. He told her her priorities were wrong. I've always wondered if after he said that to her if she left the meal to burn on the stove and sat with them. 

That is what I'm working on now. I am working on leaving my worries behind. During quite time I'm trying to leave the lunch dishes sit in the sink and do my Bible Study (Beth Moore's James). I don't want to be called out by Jesus as having my priorities off (even though I'm pretty sure that's exactly what he's doing right now). 

I'm pretty sure we can all agree that is it so hard to have Mary's heart in Martha's world!

First Sleepover

It's tradition in our home to have whatever you want for your birthday dinner. 3 years in a row Josiah has chosen Lucky Charms. This year was a real treat….chocolate Lucky Charms. YUM

I always throw birthday parities for Josiah. Big ones. Too big.

I wanted to do something smaller this year. My solution: A sleepover.

I know. Crazy, right?

I have to say….it was so much fun!

5 boys; ages 5 to 3. One little lady. 17 hours of party. Chaos. Popcorn. Pizza. Treats.

Park Playtime (best idea ever).

 The Birthday boy was dying of excitement the entire night.

They all ended up shirtless, why does this always happen at my house.
Yes…even Ella got in on that action (cool your jets girl).

James brought home a parachute and set it up in the playroom. Instant fort.
They all fell asleep by 10:15pm. I was pretty impressed.

The morning after. Looking a bit more docile.
The funniest part of the party was that they were dying to change their clothes together. They were so excited to get in the pajamas, and then more excited to get into their clothes the next morning.

And I finally had a reason to make these birthday cake pancakes. To.Die.For.

It was so much fun.
And I loved being able to be the "cool parents".
Who am I kidding…James is always a cool parent.